Matthew Warner

Unborn Baby FAQs

I’m not sure whether to be amused or annoyed by the things people say to Deena when they see her baby bump. It’s eerie how these questions are always the same, without exception. There must have been some law passed by a woman’s magazine way back when that set these in stone.

  1. When are you due? The first week of August. . . . [The inevitable follow-up to Deena:] Really? But you’re so small!
  2. How do you feel? I feel good!
  3. Do you know if it will be a boy or a girl? Yes, a boy.
  4. Have you picked out a name? Yes, but it’s top-secret until the baby is born. Damion Lucifer Warner, Mephistopheles Warner, and Jason Freddy Warner are our top candidates.
  5. Really? No.

I guess I’ll be amused because the questions are all well-meant and harmless. At least there have been a minimal number of unsolicited bump-fondles. (I told Deena that if someone does that to her, she should immediately rub their1 tummy right back.)

It will be interesting to learn what the Newborn Baby FAQs will be. I’m looking forward to it.

1Note to Webster’s: can we please, please get a gender-neutral pronoun for English? Please?