Matthew Warner

Obligatory Annoying Year-End Wrap Up

Ha ha! My year-end wrap up is the first one out! I beat all you bitches to the end of the year! In your face!

And you know why? Because I’m actually writing this from the future. It’s January 2013 here, and through the magic of my blog’s “scheduling” feature, I’m able to publish this entry in the past. That’s right; my website skills are that badass.

Oh, yeah, sorry. The news. Yes, we survived the Mayan apocalypse. (This was thanks in part to Desmond Miles, who touched the silver sphere of bad writing and protected us from the solar flares. Or something.)

But below is the real news, the headlines that matter most to me:

  1. Deena and I successfully dragged our eldest son through basic potty training. The significance of this achievement cannot be overstated. He’s now in his first year of preschool and learning which words he can only say in the bathroom or his bedroom. For the record, they are pee, poop, butt, and fart.
  2. We also passed the milestones of our fifth year running a successful website- and print-design business and our ninth wedding anniversary. We hear all the time that all married couples fight, but honestly, we don’t know where they’re coming from. Maybe they didn’t marry the right people.
  3. I ran my first 5K without dying of a heart attack.
  4. I lost ten pounds this summer while massively landscaping my front and back yards. My new flower beds are covered with rocks and rubber mulch to ensure they remain sterile and lifeless. Deena’s new Bigfoot statue (Bigfoot is exactly the size of a one-year-old; who knew?) stands guard against any spontaneous generation.
  5. It took a few months, but Deena and I finished redesigning this website. Aside from granting me godlike powers, the homepage features a sliding slideshow widget that I programmed from scratch.
  6. Writing-wise, I endured the first production of my two-act stage play, saw a long-gestating novella get published, and co-wrote an experimental web movie.

In 2013, there will be things like a new novel published (more on that later) and other ongoing writing projects. And since I just now read my 2013 summation, written by my future self, I expect it all to go swimmingly.

Happy holidays!